Pigs Flying on God’s Green Earth

A Gift of Grace

In the early morning hours of December 3, 1983, the day Robbie was to be laid to rest, my entire body, inside and out, felt like a dead “stick”; a leafless, dried out branch. Rotten. Petrified wood; protected only by a lifeless, scaly shell barely concealing the fear-infested mind, the fury-ridden heart within.  If one part of me was touched, I would crack and shatter.

Impulsively grabbing the phone, with no consideration of time, I called a devout Christian co-worker of mine.  Gentle-hearted  and very spiritual, Carolyn was also a sincere and caring friend.  As confidants in the office, I believed Carolyn knew my heart.  She had called the previous day with an offer of food and help for the family after the funeral. I had thanked her and declined, with an excuse filled with self pity.  There would be no gathering at our home after Robert’s burial, I told her. There was no family left to gather.

Like a deserted waif, I was glad to be spared the ordeal of dealing with other people’s emotions and bad conversation, completely selfish in my grief.  I was the one in pain and I didn’t give one iota who else was hurt. I did not care.  At all.

Carolyn answered her phone around four in the morning, gently laughing as she said,“Hello?”

“Carolyn….this is Duliece….are you laughing?”

“Oh…hello Duliece!……I was hearing the most beautiful music!” she laughed softly.

“Were you listening to the radio, or a tape or something?”

“Oh…no,” she said, “I was having the most wonderful dream…..and there were angels singing!”

I will never forget her voice, so gentle and patient, so sweet. The conversation we had early that morning is a treasure locked safely in my  heart ….forever.

I told Carolyn I could find no comfort in my Bible…. everything read like gibberish… the words making no sense. I cried hopelessly that there was no way I would make it through the funeral that morning. Carolyn spoke soothingly to me for a few minutes, suggesting several scriptures for me to read, her voice a healing salve.

Just before we hung up, she said, “ Oh, Duliece …..before you read anything ……read Psalms 27:10.”

“Read Psalms 27:10.” Echoed in my heart.

I remember placing the telephone receiver in it’s cradle…gently, as if it were a baby…it just struck me that way at the time…..then gingerly turning the fine pages of my Bible to the Psalms.

I read out loud Psalms 27:10. ” When thy mother and father forsake thee, the Lord will take you up.”

Those simple words leaped off that crisp, golden edged page, arching into a perfect swan dive, and dove straight into my heart!  I felt the very presence of Jesus beside me.  Loving ME!  Unworthiness filled my soul.. I was dirty, arrogant, and so…SO GUILTY!

In that instant, I saw the truth.  I felt the heaviness of my sin and it broke me. In the presence of perfection, I had dared to demand “why me?” I was crushed with shame.  All the times I had cried out to God about the injustice of life flooded my mind and soul. Now it was “Why not me?”  I was guilty!

Not once in all those years had I actually felt the weight of my own guilt. Sure, I had said the words… time and time again, like a robot… I had asked for forgiveness. But here, directly in my path was not only all of my iniquity, but all of the sin of my fore bearers. I was guilty of it ALL!  The sin of being born a child of Adam, a daughter of Eve…a huge mountain of unimaginable filth separated me from my Savior. That moment I was overwhelmed by knowledge, seeing the horrendous transgressions that had to be paid for.

The sin that separated me from Him, never separated Him from me; He had always seen me.  With one agonizing, yet glorious gesture as He allowed Himself to be nailed like a parchment to a tree; one bloody nod of His beautiful thorn-crowned Head….. Jesus had swept the ugliness and evil of all humankind aside, and held me blameless. The huge boulder of decadence that had trapped me since birth was rolled away.

Over two-thousand years ago, as His broken Body shed It’s last drop of Blood on my behalf, Jesus had seen me at that very moment.  Interceding on my behalf, pleading to the Father for my forgiveness ……a lifetime of transgression, years of arrogant pride, months of self-pity and blame, and many, many days and nights living with unforgiven sin were swept aside …forgotten …forever. There it was right in front of me; the key to forgiveness… repentance. Repentance. Once that key was turned, my prison doors were flung wide open….I was free…..free indeed!

Jesus spoke softly to my heart His words of comfort;

“Duliece, you don’t need your earthly mother or father, all you need is Me. They were the vessels I used to create you. I am your Father and I will sustain you. I loved you before your mother even thought of you. I knew you in her womb. I know every hair on your head.  I love your mother and father, Tina and Robert, in a manner you cannot conceive, as they too, are my children.  Don’t worry for them.. as I am Just.  Lay your burden of grief, anger, fear, guilt, and unforgiveness at my feet, I will bear it for you.  I am strong, you are weak.  You must never return to pick up the burden . . . it is too heavy for you . . . give it completely to Me. The burden is no longer yours . . . it is Mine.  I give you My Grace and the Gift of My Forgiveness and My Peace.  Go, share your gift with those who choose to hear. Share your gift with My children, and those who have done harm to them ….for they need Me, too.”

I felt a warm, soft embrace . . . His arms holding me . . . carefully cuddling me . . . like a mother holding her newborn child to her breast.  And then, Jesus breathed His Love into my empty heart and softly said, “Go, give, and sin no more.”

By faith, I welcomed His Forgiveness, and by faith I accepted His Righteousness.  I progressively relinquished my hold on all the hurt and sorrow, the fear and anguish, the relentless anger within my heart, and never looked back.  I’ve returned occasionally to lightly poke at the unwieldy load as I have in the writing of this journal …but I have never attempted to carry that millstone again; nor claimed it as my own.

That beautiful December morning, I was introduced to the Father by the Son, and was indwelled by the Holy Spirit, through one Person.  I know beyond any doubt that my Savior, Jesus Christ, is alive and working faithfully on my behalf and on the behalf of my loved ones.  Jesus did not have to prove His existence to me ……but, by His grace ….He did.  And I am so very grateful. I attended my only son’s funeral with a hint of a smile on my face, and a new song in my heart, all the while hearing the voices whispering;

“It hasn’t hit her yet.”

“She’s in shock.”

“She will never make it through this one.”

“Is she smiling? What’s wrong with her?”

If only they had all known the grace of my God, the my state of heart. The favor of peace and love that had been shown me ……freedom from fear and bitterness …all of these, and more.  Through all of the trials …I had gained so much …..the salvation of my husband and our children …and so many others.  So many seeds planted ……the harvest would be great!

life